Sunday, October 2, 2016
UNDEFINED - KIND OF
I have blogged in a very long time and I am not sure why.
I think a part of me has always felt like I needed to define this blog. Make it something specific, create for a specific reason and define it for a specific audience.
When in actual fact, I just really like writing, sharing and being.
I guess that can also be said about the kind of person I am. I have always felt like I needed to be defined by something? or fit into a category or a box. When I danced, I was a dancer, when I studied I was a student, when I did a lot of yoga I felt like yes, yes this yoga thing defines me! Or any other life stage or activity for that matter.
But I have decided I don't want to be defined by an activity or stage in my life right now. I am a living breathing thing. Each day I learn more about my life, choose to explore new things, start new conversations and be open to possibility.
I changed my IG's back to my name because Natalie is who I am - but I am realising the parts of Saturday Girl that I miss and that is the beauty of sharing aspect of who I am becoming and my odd little journeys and realisations.
Blogging and sharing online have often made me wonder if I am more of a sharer or an observer and I think I have reached the stage in my life where I am both, but going forward, the content I post and the things that I speak about will be a mix of truly all that is me, my thoughts, feelings, interests, likes and dislikes - undefined and most importantly with no judgement from myself. The amount of times I want to write and share and then I panic about how it will be perceived and interpreted really has to stop *note to self*
I have always wanted find something to make my own and be good at it. Now I want to find things that evoke interest, that show me new insight and develop me as a person. Maybe one of things will become more of my own, but for now I would like to think what defines me is exactly who I am and where I am in my life right at this very second.
A little summery of the last year of who I am becoming:
I am braver, a little more consistent, a little less self obsessed and little more conscious of things that run deeper than the surface. I am learning to appreciating my sensitivity and trying to stop shutting myself down for being THAT person. The past few month have become about slowly and I mean slowly, learning to love my flaws and imperfections and also celebrate the things that make me me! I guess it is about realising that its not my hobby or my job or my relationship that define me, to a certain extent its all the heart and soul, guts and glory, tears and laughter, kindness, care and maybe even those occasional eye rolls and fiery eyed debates, moments of insecurity and tears of a poorly cut fringe that sort of define me as a normal living, human with a lot to give and learning how to give it!
I have learnt recently that it is ok to let things happen organically - to not push so much. To actually allow myself to be present in the space I am in instead of constantly catapulting myself forward in the future or pulling myself back into the past. It's about doing things with more thought - becoming aware and calmer, not acting with knee jerk reactions and not beating myself up (well still working on that!).
I am still growing and learning and changing and shifting and maybe I am undefined by society and of course, by myself, but maybe I am just me and this blog is an extension of that - I have always felt that this blog was not "good enough" or had no definition - that my writing was lame and made no sense, when in actual fact the reason I started a blog was to just try something new.
So why Saturday Girl the name?
I named this blog Saturday Girl because it came into my life based on where I was in my life. I was studying and working part time (High School and Uni) and I worked mainly Saturday's at part-time jobs.
I always felt that working weekends and pretty much every weekend or every holiday, meant that I was missing out on so much, but in actual fact those Saturday's paid off in the long run, they taught me a lot about myself, my skill set and how I engage with people. What took place on some magical Saturdays and some not so magical Saturday's taught me a lot about a variety of different aspects about myself and others and yes, I missed out on some great clifton beach seasons and some cool parties and a number of other things, but it was those Saturday's that shaped a small part of me and led me to where I probably am today (which I am really happy about!!!).
The one thing in my life that has always been consistent is at some point in any job since my part-time days, I have had to work a Saturday and you know what that is ok. It also happens to be the day I wake up the earliest and feel all the stillness around me, its the day when I feel me, be it at home, or on the beach, walking through the forest, at work, having tea with my mom, lying in bed reading with Neil, doing admin, what ever it is, Saturday (Girl) will always be a part of me and it doesn't need to be a day that I have always tried to rush through - it is now just exactly what it is, another day, another day to live and let live and maybe it doesn't ever really need to be defined but I will add it to my basket of Me-isms and treasure it a little more.
So where do I truly want to take this blog?
I have no idea, but I will share more, I will write more, but this time it will be done truly undefined and truly because this journal is mine and one that I have chosen to share because life is too short and too beautiful and too undefined to hid words for no good reason.